A new beginning.

Well the dreaded has happened today.

Remember back almost two months ago when I couldn't wait to be weighed? Couldn't wait for my trainer to see the concrete evidence of my hard work. And when I did get weighed I was down ten pounds already. Then a few weeks later he weighed me again and I was down three more pounds.

Now remember all the time since then. The horrible birthday week when I ate whatever I wanted. Then the weeks of overtime at work when I was exhausted on the way home and just swerved into whatever fast food drive thru was along the way. And then this last week and a half when I have been sick, so I have been eating comfort food, ya know, to comfort me and help me feel better. I knew all this was bad, but I was steadily working out each morning before work, so....it was OK, right?

Well it was not OK. And today I paid the price. I got weighed! For the last few weeks I kept wondering when he was going to weigh me, and dreading the result. And every day the he didn't weigh me I felt like I had won some kind of small battle, and celebrated with some leftover Halloween candy. But today I lost the battle. I finished up my cardio warm-up and followed my trainer to the front of the workout center. I thought we were going to do some free weights, maybe ab work, maybe.....oh no! Is he standing next to the scale? Not good! I even set down my water bottle in mid sip because I didn't want that last drop of water to add any weight.

I gained three pounds! Not horrible, not as bad as I even thought it was going to be. And I immediately tried to explain it away. Well lets see, 3 pounds. Thats obviously 1 pound of water weight (it's that time of the month), 1 pound of gained muscle (I have noticeably bigger biceps and who knows what else, you just can't see it under some layers of fat), and maybe 1 pound from bad food choices. But my trainer wasn't buying it. He asked why someone would get up early every day, work her butt off in the gym, and then immediately throw it away by eating crap! He told me that he was so proud of me in the beginning but now I was letting him down, and he had told my Dad how good I was doing and now I was letting my Dad down. He really put me through the ringer. And he worked me out hard. He even made me run on the treadmill, he had made me do a slow jog before, but today he cranked it up to a full out run. And usually I am just counting my reps. But today I have no idea how many of anything I did, because he was talking to me the whole time.

Have you been watching The Biggest Looser like I said to? Did you see on there how they are sweating, and crying, and can hardly breath, and can't take do one more rep? Well that was me today! And I think that he pushed me that hard to make sure that I really want to do this, to make sure that I'm not just wasting time, and wasting his time. And I did it all. I even busted my leg really hard on a bench after the first set of bench presses, and it is all scrapped and has a goose egg. But I didn't complain, I just did it. (Hey, I'm a Nike ad!)

But he is not totally mean. By the end he gave me a hug. He helped put things into perspective. And I don't usually throw it all away on food. I usually eat a good breakfast, and snack, and then it begins to go downhill at lunch. And then dinner is bad. And then I have a sweet night time snack too.

But I thought about this, and then discussed it with my trainer to. When I go into my daughters room, and she has scribbled on her dresser with markers, I have this talk with her. "It's up to you to make decisions for your self. If you want to use the markers you can decided if you would like to color on paper or in a coloring book, or if you would like to color on toys or walls or furniture. And if you color on paper then I will hang it up and everyone can see it and everyone will be proud of you. But it you color on your dresser then it may be a secret for now, but eventually I will find out and I will be upset. And then you will have to be punished, and you will have to help clean it up, and your markers will be taken away. So you decide how you want to be treated." And it seems so easy and it makes so much sense.

So now I just have to use the same logic on my self. "Niki, it's up to you to make decisions for yourself. If you want to eat you can decide if you want to make good healthy food choices, or poor ones. If you make good choices you will live a longer healthier life with more energy and look so much better and then everyone will see the results and be proud of you! Or you can make poor choices and you will be able to hide it for awhile, but you will only be hurting yourself.

So today I am starting over. None of my excuses, just do it. And I can have 'treats' now and then, but not everyday. Just one day a week, so today I had yogurt and oatmeal in the morning. And tuna on a whole wheat tortilla and a salad and an apple for lunch. And the funny thing is, I had all that stuff packed this morning and brought it to work with me before I even knew I was being weighed, or had the whole melt down in the gym. So I had already planned to eat very healthy today. I just have to do it everyday.

(And yas, my daughter did scribble bright pink marker all over her dresser yesterday. The beautiful old dresser that was mine when I was a little girl, and it matched my canopy bed. And the bed was ruined, but my mom gave me the dresser. And my husband spent a whole weekend stripping it down and repaining it 'antique white'. And we bought her bed to match it. And gave it all to her for her 4th birthday present. And it was very meaningful to me, even though i'm sure she didn't care. And I did not attempt to clean it off yet. Because right now I can hope that it will all come right off. But if I start to clean it, and it won't come off, i'm sure i'll cry.)